Melbourne Life: Lonely and Happiness

Tonight, I ask myself about meaning of happiness. Why? May be because I just feel a very strange feeling, lonely and 'freezing'. It's very uncommon feeling for me, since I am very busy person, doing many activities that I like and have lovely family and many good friends. Is the lonely feeling a signal of unhappiness? Let me think about this.

The feeling just coming, tonight. I just want to cry :( Or, probably I just exagerate situation, I actually already felt so lonely this week, but today may be is a top of my feeling? I don't know. I just feel Melbourne winter is much colder than usual. Is it true? I don't know. A friend of mine, Anh told me that I feel so cold because something empty in my heart. Probably? I don't know. Empty from what? Something lose from me? Probably I am waiting for something, that is not coming?

I just realize how hard is the lonely feeling. I just feel it now. I think I've never felt this feeling before. or may be I just forget about the lonely feeling in the past? I don't know. Now I understand why people try to run away to many artificial things just to get away from the lonely feeling. Just to feel a fake feeling of happiness. Unreal happiness. Of course I wouldn't. I have many things to do, I believe I can pass this hard situation. I will never choose to run away from any difficult situation. My situation is not that as hard as libanese people situation who aparts from their beloved ones, trapped in uncertainty of war, desperate from get help from people in other parts of the world. I am in much much better situation, despite apart of my family and the feeling of lonely, so that I have no reason to run away and find artificial happiness. I believe, happiness is nowhere but in my heart. It's my choice to get happiness when I take a breath every second or to be desperate.

I discuss about happiness few days ago with my housemate Michiyo Suzuki. I feel she is a very good friend of mine here. I can talk about anything with her. Sometimes we talk for hours and we didn't realize time pass by and it's already too late to go to bed. We had very good time when everyone in our lodging house had a holiday and only two of us left in the house. "Sooo peaceful" to take Michiyo's expression about the house environment. We share some same interests, likeness of learning languages, likeness of privacy and peaceful situation and a harmony. Of course we have many differences between us, because we are human being have many differences. Oh, but we have the same star sign. Leo. And tomorrow is her birthday, I must think something for her. May be flower? Because she loves flower, or picture of us in St. Kilda? Or PIcture of her? OR just a cake? I'll think about that later. Oh, suddenly I don't feel lonely anymore. I hope when I am home, I'll not stay in bed without closing my eyes and start to feel alone again. May be not, because I will study hard for tomorrow. See how many activities I must do: Field Methods in Development, heritage and Cultural Environment, and teaching languages. Actually, I still have Safewater Workshop and principles of Qualitative research, but there is a clash in timetable, and I am not Neo in Matrix that can move to another places at the same time.

Anyway, let's back to the meaning of happiness. How we define happiness? Is it really in our heart and only we personally can control the happiness? Or is it influenced by the environment? For example by other people around us, by people away of us, by situation around us at certain time? I realize that at certain time, we probably think that the environment is really influence our happiness, but it's not true that happiness is determined by the environment. Sometime we are misleaded by the 'fake feeling of unhappy'. We feel like we are so unhappy, we angry to someone or even we angry to noone, we feel we just want to go somewhere but we don't know where to go. OR otherwise we feel we are sooo happy, people around us, we are like a star, focus of public attention, enjoy the greatest food in the world. Actually, it's not a true feeling of our happiness, as I said it's a fake feeling of happiness as well as unhappiness.

Actually happiness is inside ourselves. That's why it so difficult to be determined. Whatever the situation we face, we can determine wheater we will feel happy or unhappy, depend on us because happiness is inside ourselves. Ironically, sometimes we don't know the truth. We just can realize that when we dig inside ourselves and try to reflect the whole part of our life. We will not need to find the answer where is happiness anywhere. It just so close to me and to you. Other people may see our happiness, but we can't. Similarly, we may can see other people happiness, but they can't. It's the secret of life. And that's why life is so beautiful.

Talking about happiness, I want to talk about Love. Suddenly I remember a friend of mine in Indonesia who doesn't believe in love because it change so quickly as we saw in the movie. The 'Desperate Housewives" peobably can be blamed for people disbelieving of love as it's felt by a friend of mine. Last Saturday, after I finished shopping in Victoria Market, I saw a girl with a 'Safeway' green bag full of shopping stuffs, like mine too , across the Victoria Street. I was behind her. And suddenly I saw a man running from another side of the street, I just wonder why he looks like in a very rush. And then He grabbed her bag quickly, smile to her warmly, hold her arm warmly. And they look at each other with love. During that period of time, I felt like I saw a movie clip. It was just sooooo beautiful. So lovely episode.

For me, that is love. It's very simple. Their affection is very simple, very sincere. Not too much, not too litle. Just precise. That what I felt form watching a short movie of love. Just in a seconds. I was so surprised of that experience so that I walked sooo slowly and the pedestrian light change to red. I still watch them away, with a very nice feeling of seeing people love each other here. I saw many people show their affection to their partner in public, but for me usually I didn't feel anything and I only think it is as a passion rather than a love. In contrast to others, the souple I saw in Vic st really give me impression about love. But do they have the same feeling? May be yes, may be not. It's very often in our life that we don't feel anything for a very big and sincere things given by our partner or vice versa. We think it just a daily situation so that we don't eventhink much about that. So that we lose one beautiful part of our life. LOve.

After I told about my story, Michiyo share the feeling of observing people. She was in the Food Corner in the 2nd or 3rd floor of Melbourne Central. She saw a young couple that wuld say good bye one to another. They walked away to a different direction. In certain distance, the boy move his body back to watch his girl, but the girl just walked away. So after a while, the boy walked away. Not so long, the girl moved back her body to watch her boy, but the boy walked straight. "Sooo sad" It's Michiyo's expression. It's just a matter of time, that they certainly want to see each other, but they can't because they do that in different time. It's another short movie.

I remember again about movie I saw in SBS about two weeks ago, an old french movie, 'Un Homme et un femme', a home and a woman. The movie is very touching. The song and the music are soooo beautiful. I'll write about the movie later if I have time. One thing I remember precisely comes from a lyric in the song: Love is stronger than we are.

I want to write about that next time, about human nature. I must home. It's already 10 p.m.

Baillieu Library, Melbourne.